|
Many, many years ago, I was in attendance for a taping of the Spike TV Video Game Awards. To sum it up in two words: train wreck. To sum it up in several words: it was a mess of a show that really only rewarded those nominees kind enough to show up and promote their game.
But, since, I haven’t been able to not watch. The show is such a mess. A mix of game developers actually getting some enjoyment from recognition, actors wishing they were somewhere else, and undeserving winners. And since I enjoy this chaotic piece of work so much, I figured I’d share some of the highlights with you. (P.S. Spike TV will probably play this show another 200 times, so set your DVRs and follow along.) (P.P.S. This is a two hour show, you’re gonna have to bear with me)
0:01: A big package sits on the stage. The Joker (of Batman fame) makes some off-color remarks. Then, men in gas masks come out and stage a terrorist nerve gas attack, much to the delight of the audience. Good start.
0:02: We are shown a “World Premiere,” aka commercial. You ever notice the Academy Awards don’t take breaks to play movie trailers mid-show? Alas, these are always bitter-sweet for me. At their hearts, they are commercials, but unfortunately, this is the biggest exposure video games get on TV, so developers feel compelled to release teasers and trailers here. What you get is usually a pretty cool look at some upcoming games, at the cost of legitimizing this show just the tiniest bit. This “World Premiere” is for the upcoming sequel (? DLC?) of Batman: Arkham Asylum. Admittedly, I’m excited. Love me some Batman…
0:05: Zachary Quinto comes out and gives a promo for some Star Trek game coming out whenever. He delivers it with all the enthusiasm of a person reading a menu.
0:06: “Best Voice in a Video Game Award”: Four lesser known names who did excellent voice work in quality games, and Jack Black (who coincidentally hosted last year’s show… how weird…). You’ll never guess who wins. I’ll give you a clue: they were in the audience and appeared to have a long comedy skit planned out about the award. Second clue: It was Jack Black.
0:17: Holy Crap! The “World Premiere” of Tron: Evolution. It’s the game nobody has been waiting for since the 80’s!
0:18: Tony Hawk makes his inevitable appearance, just so don’t forget that his 163rd Tony Hawk’s Skateboarding game is out. He presents “Best Action Adventure Game.” Assassin’s Creed II is the winner. Interesting to note that Assassin’s Creed II, Left 4 Dead 2, and CoD: Modern Warfare 2 are all nominated for “Game of the Year” as well as various other awards. Now, this is interesting because the nominees for the awards were announced on November 18th and both Assassin’s Creed II and Left 4 Dead 2 came out on the 17th. I guess all you needed was a day with the game to know it was GotY material. (Modern Warfare 2 came out on the 10th. It at least got a week’s worth of playing time before being nominated.)
0:21: The confusing thing about this show: It’s a fake award show with fake, meaningless awards, but these developers genuinely express happiness when they receive them. It’s sad that other than various website based awards and the occasional G4 show, this is really the only recognition they’ll receive for the games they poured years of their lives into. Almost enough to make you want to start a real award show for video games… someday… someday…
0:22: A “First Look” at Deadliest Warrior: The Game. This looks so God-awful, I’m starting to think it’s a joke. It looks like it was made by the same people who created the CGI dinosaurs, giant bugs, and yetis on all those SyFy channel original movies.
0:25: Kimbo Slice is out to promote the “World Premiere” of the next UFC game. Shocker: He’s not good at reading from a teleprompter. The “World Premiere” (brought to us by GameStop by the way, why not?) is basically a collection of sweaty UFC guys telling me why I can’t be a UFC fighter.
0:27: “Studio of the Year” nominees, basically the studios who created the “Game of the Year” nominees, minus Ubisoft for Assassin’s Creed II. Rocksteady wins for Arkham Asylum. I don’t get the criteria. Spoiler: Batman doesn’t win game of the year, so why does Rocksteady win for “Studio”? Shouldn’t the studio who created the “Game of the Year” win? This makes no sense. And by the way, Valve not only released L4D2 this year, but continued to release major patches and DLC for their already released games (TF2 anyone?) Far as I can tell, all Rocksteady made this year was Arkham Asylum and a trailer for the new Batman game.
0:30: Samuel L. Jackson is out. He’s wearing an old man’s coat. It makes me sad. He’s here to promote the “World Premiere” of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II, which is interesting, because I don’t remember the first one being met with a ton of critical acclaim, but I guess enough people bought it, and really, isn’t that all you need anymore?
0:38: Jake Gyllenhaal is out to, SURPRISE: Promote something! The Prince of Persia movie. He looks pretty bad in it. Don’t worry though, it’s being directed by the same guy who directed Mona Lisa Smile, so you know it’ll be… just… fine…
0:40: “From Spike’s new football comedy,” and stop right there. You’ve already got me roped in. This is a good get. How’d the VGA’s pull it off? Three nobody actors from the show mention several times that their show, Blue Mountain State, is on SPIKE!!! Very subtle cross promotion, SpikeTV, very subtle indeed.
0:44: “World Premiere”: Another Prince of Persia game. Really? Jesus.
0:49: “Best Performance By A Human Male.” Hugh Jackman for Wolverine. Really? … Really? By the way, they’ve been giving out this award every year and I still, for the life of me, cannot figure out how this is different than “Best Voice in a Game.” They do know that the you aren’t controlling a little Hugh Jackman in the Wolverine game, right?
0:54: Snoop Dogg performs. Lyrics from the song: “Yeah, Yo, yo, yo, yo. Snooop Dogg, Snooop Dogg. Yo, yo, yo, yo. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey…” Connection to video games? Can’t find one.
1:04: Stephen A. Smith is here to award the “Best Individual Sports Game.” Stephen is, apparently, trying out his new sports based stand-up act. We go to the nominees. We come back and Stephen is still cracking wise. Here's the big finish of his bit: “Don’t get me started on Tiger Woods. Tiger… more like cheater. This morning, he played a round of golf at Pebble Beach, then went back to his hotel and did another three holes… you know what I’m saying…” This is brazenly bad.
1:08: Another shocker: the UFC game wins on one of the only channels to show UFC programming. Forrest Griffin accepts the award while standing, for no apparent reason, like a fat man trying desperately to do the splits. “No seriously, leave now,” he says. Smartest thing I’ve heard all night from a guy whose job it is to get hit in the face. Forrest then proceeds to use the expression “sucked balls.” I wonder if he wrote out this acceptance speech ahead of time.
1:10: Crackdown 2 “World Premiere.” Nice, but I doubt this technique will be as effective for sales as sneaking a copy of the original Crackdown into people’s purchases of Halo 3 Beta keys.
1:18: “World Premiere” of Green Day Rockband. You know, when I first heard about Beatles Rock Band, I thought: “Why a whole new game? Why not just DLC for Rock Band 2?” Since then, I’ve been banned from X-box Live and now this idea of not making the game just as DLC content isn’t so bad.
1:20: Other awards for this evening: “Best Performance by a Human Female” goes to Megan Fox in the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen game, which, if I remember correctly, was a game that only three people liked. By the way, this means they couldn’t get Megan Fox to even record one of those throw away award acceptance speeches where they already have the trophy. They did, however, have the guys from Blue Mountain State on earlier, so I guess we’re even…
Also given out: the “Most Anticipated Game” award. God of War III, I guess. There’s so much inherently wrong with just the concept of this award, it’s not worth it.
1:25: “World Premiere” for the new Medal of Honor game. It’s set in modern times, and wouldn’t you know it, looks just like a ripoff of Call of Duty. Why not? It worked well for your competitor.
1:26: Mike Tyson and a handful of the kids from Jersey Shore are out. They all talk like they have severe brain damage, but at least Tyson has an excuse. I don’t watch the show, but I know enough about Jersey Shore to hope that Tyson hurts at least one of these people.
They present the award for “First Person Shooter of the Year” and ironically, the clips for the nominees show almost no footage of actual first person shooting.
1:31: “Best Game Based on a Movie or TV Show” award, also known as the “Smartest Child on the Short Bus” award.
1:36: Stevie Wonder is here to present the “Music Game of the Year” award. Odd… I mean, I doubt he’s ever even seen a video game. (Yep, even I thought that joke was in poor taste). Anyway, I really don’t get the connection. Come on, Spike, you can waste our time, but do you really need to waste Stevie’s, too?
1:51: Jake Gyllenhaal is back. Introduced like so: “Please welcome back, from the most anticipated film of next year: Jake Gyllenhaal.” … I’m sorry, are we still talking about Prince of Persia?
1:54: Uncharted 2 wins the “Game of the Year” award. Again, despite the madness, the developers seem genuinely grateful, which again, is such a shame because they make their acceptance speeches while holding a stupid looking Monkey statue.
1:57: Play us out, The Bravery…
It’s amazing, these VGA’s. Every year, I swear them off, and then every year, they pull me back in. I guess it really is like a train wreck. I just can’t look away…
|
